When I was 12 years old I was supposed to decide who I wanted to be in life; and again at 14. By the time I turned 16 the only thing I knew was most of what I did not want to become (that's cuts it down to me being....anything?) So life flew by and I did what I knew best, my best, and now, at 21 years old, life asks me to decide who I want to be in life. Well I know a little bit about who I want to be but I have little idea how to get there. There's an Apache saying that there are many roads to the same place so I have little chance of travelling the wrong one: that's the good part. The bad part is what Barry Schwartz calls "the paradox of choice". I have so many roads to take that I'm splitting up at the intersection. (What direction?).
I thought about this on Thursday. This is my last semester and almost all of the courses I wanted to take were not in my degree, full or clashing with compulsory courses. Think about it, who wouldn't want to take Complex Variables or Numerical Analysis? So I sent a request to take the courses which clashed. When I went to the faculty office and explained my situation the secretary looked at me like I was clearly out of my mind. I registered for more credits than is allowed in any semester. When I left the office her question still rung in my ears, "You think you can handle it?" Do I think I can handle it? Honestly, I would not be doing it if I didn't think I could.
But I don't think that is my issue. I think I can handle it but I need to know why. Yes, why can I handle it? Is it because I'm brave? Or smart? Actually, if I was smart I would know that only time could tell if I have handled it. And let's assume that I am apt. If I can handle 6, I can handle 4, so why not do 4? Why finish my degree in the allotted time? What do I gain; or hope to gain? What is the use of being at the top if no one can hear you scream or the air of self just slowly suffocates you or you refuse any hands to hold you and keep you warm in the cold atmosphere?
I may not know what I'll do when I'm finish, whether more study or work. This unsurety can knock me out of focus when I need to set my eyes straight and walk on water. I only know a few things. I know that finishing is not a waste and finishing strong is definitely worth "it" (whatever it may be. Hey, you define 'it' and its worth). A friend of mine told me not to be too eager to finish. I have to put in 15 weeks of grind and it's easier when I focus on the tasks at hand. Seeing the finish line is different from crossing it.
So with every step I take,
With every sunrise
I keep the goal in mind
The task in my eyes.
I know that every minute
Comes with 60 seconds
If I second guess this minute
Minutely more I may be stressing.
Because I'd love to finish
I'd love to be done
But the day arrives
It just doesn't come.
It just doesn't come
At some arbitrary moment
When I wish enough for it
And then I simply own it.
No I need to own it
Make every moment mine
Do all I can
And let this light shine.
Let His light shine.
