When I thought about writing this earlier this week I was in a completely different mood. The sun shining quite brightly yet I felt gloomy - maybe that was the anomaly. It was quite similar to the time when I asked "Where now is the God of Elijah?" earlier this semester, however, I knew where he was - right here. I haven't for one moment since then doubted his existence or presence with me but on that bright, sunny Wednesday (and even now to some extent) I ask, "Who now is the God of Elijah?"
And I have reason. My last exam period burned me. I thought I had come out on top and was ready to face my blissful freedom called "vacation". But as with most empty spaces, something comes quickly to fill it. So when the wind rushed in and the results came back I found myself looking up into the sky, underneath all that I was standing on. As I covered my face from the debris falling on me it didn't matter what would hit me afterwords because my spirit was already crushed. I woke up in the hospital and what should have been 14 weeks of unconstrained fun and frolicking turned out to be rehab.
Fast forwarding through half of a year, I find myself in a very strange position. I have the same teacher who awarded me my first fail in maths since I was 16 and I'm doing more courses (more exams). I look inside me and see the confidence I used to have (the good kind and the kind that makes you say "Ah I know that, don't need to study at all") and I remember the great strength of my past and how big I felt after I got my first A in maths but then I remember that the last time I felt this big I failed maths and now my second exam (for it was also the second exam I did) is for a course taught by the same lecturer (who yesterday said, "If you remember how the Differential Equations exam was...." To which I whispered, "Don't remind me."). Oh how I wish I was not an elephant!
I wonder, why do scars remain? Why can I not shake the thoughts of being burned by attitudes of laziness and hubris? Sometimes I wish I could just forget it all and behave as though I'm really starting over. But these scars remain as a reminder that I can't do it alone. C.S. Lewis said that everything works according to its nature. Sure, if you study you will pass. But I have a nature that is such that it doesn't operate solo. When I look within myself I don't go looking for my own resources to get me through - not anymore. Furthermore, passing is contingent on so many other factors apart from studying hard (or smart) that I shouldn't dare to hinge my hopes of passing (much less getting A's) on my weak body and sometimes unfocused mind.
Earlier I asked, "Who is the God of Elijah?" Well the great thing about him is that I don't need to prove him, his strength or his goodness. All I need to do is allow him to do his thing - whatever the time calls for. What if I gave him the freedom he deserves? Of course, this does not mean doing nothing, like he is my slave, but what I mean is this: I'm not going to pass my exams so that others will say "Ok God is real". This is comforting to know.
These exams are not going to pass themselves and studying is important. I know now, however, that I don't have to have my vision clouded by the fear of failing and what happened last year. Yes, scars remain but only to remind me that I can't go it alone.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sea Soup
Have you ever had a week which left you tired yet thoroughly satisfied? Don't those weeks often feel the best? Not when you're going through them sometimes, but at the end. That pretty much describes my week. On Tuesday I had a Probability test (what are the chances of me failing?). It went well - if you had studied. I knew what the questions were asking and how I should answer them. So by the end of it all (because I'm sure you don't want to know anything else about it) I've realised that Probability Theory is not the ugly monster that lies under my bed.
Then Wednesday came. I came to school in a light blue dress shirt, black slacks and black shoes with blue and black checkered socks. As I burst open the door of the lecture theatre it went silent and the teacher stopped. Ok that didn't really happen (I think) but it was a shock for some people. The buzz among the crowd was that I had a presentation that day; and I did. The shock wore off as more people dressed in black and blue (like a bruised eye) burst open the door in similar fashion (no pun intended). After the lecture, the men in the group donned their ties - striped, dotted and solid (you can guess which type I was) - and the females set up the equipment and we huddled. With legs and hands shaking we began.
My group was known as the trouble group. Firstly, we were referred to as "the guys in the back" by the lecturer (never a good sign). And if that was not bad enough, we took the liberty to be the only students who asked questions about other groups' presentation, breaking the unwritten law of UWI, "don't ask me, won't ask you". Last week we were snapped at by one of the groups who let us know quite frankly that if we had read the case we would not have been asking such stupid questions (blast us for paying attention).
I guess the measure of a presentation is crowd response. We began by showing a re-enactment of the case as was written. The crowd did not laugh or move strangely enough but we continued. We presented and presented and ended with a video depicting the proposed results of our recommendations. Then the question we were so eagerly awaiting came..."Does anyone have any questions?" I'll attribute no vile motive to her but the same girl who made it clear that we should have read the case put up her hand. I guess the mark of a good presentation is when the teacher comes to your rescue. Yes, the lecturer said, "Going back to what Rachel (one of the members) said..." After being questioned on our core problem, which the teacher disagreed on, the presentation ended and we gave each other hi-5's, hi-4's, took pictures and took off our ties.
On Friday I made my debut as a poet (by the farthest stretch of the imagination)...oh wait no. There was a talent day at UCCF and I performed a piece. (Inquire within).
So I came home on Friday quite tired and went to sleep. I woke up on Saturday and drove to another group meeting, and ran some errands. Tired from my week and journey, when I got home I headed straight for the kitchen. "There's food here?" I asked my mother. "Well...daddy made soup for himself and two other people," she replied. Confused, I went to the big pot expecting to see a very small portion of food in it. As the steam rose from the uncovered pot I jumped back. I stepped closer. I put my head over the....pot and peered intensely while my mother chucked in the background. I looked to her for some salvation. "What is this?" I asked as she tilted her head and smiled as if to say "see what I mean?"
Now I love my dad. He's a good man, an ok basketballer, a bad singer and a terrible cook. After looking at his "sea soup" I've come to understand that it doesn't take many cooks to spoil the broth. There's a poem I learnt as a child which aptly described his dish.
Then Wednesday came. I came to school in a light blue dress shirt, black slacks and black shoes with blue and black checkered socks. As I burst open the door of the lecture theatre it went silent and the teacher stopped. Ok that didn't really happen (I think) but it was a shock for some people. The buzz among the crowd was that I had a presentation that day; and I did. The shock wore off as more people dressed in black and blue (like a bruised eye) burst open the door in similar fashion (no pun intended). After the lecture, the men in the group donned their ties - striped, dotted and solid (you can guess which type I was) - and the females set up the equipment and we huddled. With legs and hands shaking we began.
My group was known as the trouble group. Firstly, we were referred to as "the guys in the back" by the lecturer (never a good sign). And if that was not bad enough, we took the liberty to be the only students who asked questions about other groups' presentation, breaking the unwritten law of UWI, "don't ask me, won't ask you". Last week we were snapped at by one of the groups who let us know quite frankly that if we had read the case we would not have been asking such stupid questions (blast us for paying attention).
I guess the measure of a presentation is crowd response. We began by showing a re-enactment of the case as was written. The crowd did not laugh or move strangely enough but we continued. We presented and presented and ended with a video depicting the proposed results of our recommendations. Then the question we were so eagerly awaiting came..."Does anyone have any questions?" I'll attribute no vile motive to her but the same girl who made it clear that we should have read the case put up her hand. I guess the mark of a good presentation is when the teacher comes to your rescue. Yes, the lecturer said, "Going back to what Rachel (one of the members) said..." After being questioned on our core problem, which the teacher disagreed on, the presentation ended and we gave each other hi-5's, hi-4's, took pictures and took off our ties.
On Friday I made my debut as a poet (by the farthest stretch of the imagination)...oh wait no. There was a talent day at UCCF and I performed a piece. (Inquire within).
So I came home on Friday quite tired and went to sleep. I woke up on Saturday and drove to another group meeting, and ran some errands. Tired from my week and journey, when I got home I headed straight for the kitchen. "There's food here?" I asked my mother. "Well...daddy made soup for himself and two other people," she replied. Confused, I went to the big pot expecting to see a very small portion of food in it. As the steam rose from the uncovered pot I jumped back. I stepped closer. I put my head over the....pot and peered intensely while my mother chucked in the background. I looked to her for some salvation. "What is this?" I asked as she tilted her head and smiled as if to say "see what I mean?"
Now I love my dad. He's a good man, an ok basketballer, a bad singer and a terrible cook. After looking at his "sea soup" I've come to understand that it doesn't take many cooks to spoil the broth. There's a poem I learnt as a child which aptly described his dish.
"Water has no taste at all
Water has no smell.
And if we use it in fish soup
It stays the same as well."According to him, it was supposed to be that colour but I begged to differ. (It still didn't explain where the taste went.lol)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
November
Disclaimer: Written under the influence...
It's that time again - where the exam timetable is posted and we collect our exam cards and compare each others' exam timetable. I checked and double checked my timetable (and probably will check again) so that I don't miss an exam. People scamper about taking all the books from the library and suddenly this cold, hard mask covers many faces. I smell the exams coming like rain. We're all either zombies or invisible because we can't seem to notice anyone, yet it's plain to see that our world has become black and white. There is no condoning of grey areas as we stretch our grey matter in hope that it was not beyond the elasticity of sanity.
I was reading a book about leadership and communication in the library on Thursday (the cover was pretty and the book was small...and there were pictures in it!) and besides the fact that the book seemed very motivational - talking to losers - there was an interesting story I read. I won't attempt to recall the story but the gist of it was that just as there are waves in the ocean, a company cannot operate with all cylinders firing throughout the year. Then the thought soaked through me; I can't study all day everyday with all my might. Like the ocean, I need time to ebb before I flow.
Then there was the unusual Thursday morning car trouble which left me carless. Having no transportation is usually terrible and waiting on your family to pick you up is even worse. They think that you will forgive them and then they come 20 hours after they were supposed to come - when you're chilling with the second watch of the night. I had to go to my sisters on Thursday and my mom asked me if I could get a drop there. I said I'll try and then went and asked my friends. They gave me the usual run around (I have class now, I'm not going home yet, dude where's my car) so I decided to tell my mom I couldn't get a drop then lime where all the cars pass - hopefully I may get one before she comes.
How Not To Hitch A Ride
I sat down and talked with another friend (who has no car nor licence) and as we were talking I saw a familiar face. We stopped and watched as the car climbed and descended the hump. "Now!" I whispered to myself and shouted out his name. But he just nodded and waved and drove away. Then another friend passed. I saw her car from a far and thought that the person looked familiar. So again, we sat in wait and watched the front go up and down, and the back up and over. With baited breath we stood by as the driver stamped on the gas. "Now! Now! Now!" As I was just about to shout I realised the terrible fact that her windows were closed. With quick thinking, I began to wave frantically as our eyes met, hoping she would understand the urgent request. I waved. She smiled and waved back and drove off into the sunset.
I had lost my will after that and when the next car passed I barely had enough power to let my head drop as he waved and drove off. Fortunately, my mom came for me after I was waiting for over an hour and a half. I learnt a very important lesson that day: Maybe running in front of a moving car to get a ride home is not as bad an idea as people make it out to seem.
There are 3 more weeks of teaching left in this semester and I'm not as excited as before to see exams coming. I think it was about time I took them seriously and not call them "Pre-vacation questionnaires" (That is also not as bad an idea as people make it out to seem). I was only joking about jumping in front of a moving car folks!
It's that time again - where the exam timetable is posted and we collect our exam cards and compare each others' exam timetable. I checked and double checked my timetable (and probably will check again) so that I don't miss an exam. People scamper about taking all the books from the library and suddenly this cold, hard mask covers many faces. I smell the exams coming like rain. We're all either zombies or invisible because we can't seem to notice anyone, yet it's plain to see that our world has become black and white. There is no condoning of grey areas as we stretch our grey matter in hope that it was not beyond the elasticity of sanity.
I was reading a book about leadership and communication in the library on Thursday (the cover was pretty and the book was small...and there were pictures in it!) and besides the fact that the book seemed very motivational - talking to losers - there was an interesting story I read. I won't attempt to recall the story but the gist of it was that just as there are waves in the ocean, a company cannot operate with all cylinders firing throughout the year. Then the thought soaked through me; I can't study all day everyday with all my might. Like the ocean, I need time to ebb before I flow.
Then there was the unusual Thursday morning car trouble which left me carless. Having no transportation is usually terrible and waiting on your family to pick you up is even worse. They think that you will forgive them and then they come 20 hours after they were supposed to come - when you're chilling with the second watch of the night. I had to go to my sisters on Thursday and my mom asked me if I could get a drop there. I said I'll try and then went and asked my friends. They gave me the usual run around (I have class now, I'm not going home yet, dude where's my car) so I decided to tell my mom I couldn't get a drop then lime where all the cars pass - hopefully I may get one before she comes.
How Not To Hitch A Ride
I sat down and talked with another friend (who has no car nor licence) and as we were talking I saw a familiar face. We stopped and watched as the car climbed and descended the hump. "Now!" I whispered to myself and shouted out his name. But he just nodded and waved and drove away. Then another friend passed. I saw her car from a far and thought that the person looked familiar. So again, we sat in wait and watched the front go up and down, and the back up and over. With baited breath we stood by as the driver stamped on the gas. "Now! Now! Now!" As I was just about to shout I realised the terrible fact that her windows were closed. With quick thinking, I began to wave frantically as our eyes met, hoping she would understand the urgent request. I waved. She smiled and waved back and drove off into the sunset.
I had lost my will after that and when the next car passed I barely had enough power to let my head drop as he waved and drove off. Fortunately, my mom came for me after I was waiting for over an hour and a half. I learnt a very important lesson that day: Maybe running in front of a moving car to get a ride home is not as bad an idea as people make it out to seem.
There are 3 more weeks of teaching left in this semester and I'm not as excited as before to see exams coming. I think it was about time I took them seriously and not call them "Pre-vacation questionnaires" (That is also not as bad an idea as people make it out to seem). I was only joking about jumping in front of a moving car folks!
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Depth Perception
First semesters are usually more interesting than second semesters. I guess it's because we are still hot off of the vacation and we have been out of school far too long to remember anything about it so all things seem new. A new school year brings to light some things. I would assume so because it starts in the fall, where there are more daylight hours than in the winter, when the sun sets earlier. But of course, that's northern thinking.
It didn't take very long for a story to come my way. On Monday, all of the cars seemed to be going in the same direction as I was. I got stuck in traffic for the first time since the summer and it was terrible. What made it bad was not that I was sitting in traffic for nearly half an hour (the route is usually 5 minutes) but the night before, I was slaving over some Auditing homework so that the teacher wouldn't curse us (well me, since I've been accused by some teachers of being cheeky). Time inched on faster than the car as I checked my gas meter; the amber light burning, telling me to get ready to stop. I knew I should have gotten gas when I had just left home but I was almost early for the class.
And so I inched closer and closer to the gas station, regretting my every turn. I finally made it to the gas station, already late, maybe even too late to answer any of the questions I had done. "Got to go to another station," the attendant called out. My head dropped as I could only hope to make it to another gas station. I turned the key...nothing. I turned again...nothing. "Not now man!"
The gas attendants all looked at me and asked me what was wrong. Besides the fact that the car was not starting I thought it was a battery problem. To cut a long story short (I wanted to say something else) I did need a battery but I also needed gas and there was gas at the gas station but it was running slowly.
Running slowly...(I do apologize for the sudden jolt of philosophy).
As I look over all the things that have happened so far this semester I feel like I've been going to school pretty long already. It is amazing that the week goes by so quickly yet the weeks slowly pass and each day travels at 60 minutes per hour. September seems so two months ago! As I was driving home this week (with my new battery) a few things flew through the window and into my head.
Light is pretty amazing. It helps you to see; it protects, guides and enhances. Without light there would be no colour! The pretty amazing quality about light is depth perception. Without light, we wouldn't know how far things are!
I toured Harrison's Cave during the summer and during the tour the lights were turned off to show what the discoverers saw. A lightbulb in my head came on and I held my hand up to my face and slowly began to bring it to my nose until I could see it. Twice I did this and twice I hit myself in my face. I would have had more success licking my nose in the daylight than seeing my hand in that cave. The first time was funny, but the second time was scary because I couldn't even tell when my hand was coming. I knew I held it up and I knew it hit me.
It's the same thing with life. A man who walks by day does not stumble because he walks by this world's light. It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light. (John 11:10) In life, many people wonder why they are here. Maybe few iPods have enough memory space to store all the songs that reflect uncertainty, purposelessness and confusion. Why's that? If we have grown smarter, if we are more evolved than apes why are apes scratching their butts and we scratching our heads? Could it be that we actually don't know what we are doing?
We know one thing is certain, we all die. There is an end to a human's life but he/she doesn't know when it's coming - like my hand to my nose. That was a cool observation in the cave, but in life we don't know whose hand is coming or even if it is a hand at all. Then how do we prepare? It's not that important to know when we are going to die but it is important to know what to do while we are alive. If there is a destination that must be reached, how do we know if we have made it or how far are we to go? And this is why it is important to live in the light. (John 3:19-21)
Walk while you have the light, before the darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in darkness does not know where he is going. Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light.
It didn't take very long for a story to come my way. On Monday, all of the cars seemed to be going in the same direction as I was. I got stuck in traffic for the first time since the summer and it was terrible. What made it bad was not that I was sitting in traffic for nearly half an hour (the route is usually 5 minutes) but the night before, I was slaving over some Auditing homework so that the teacher wouldn't curse us (well me, since I've been accused by some teachers of being cheeky). Time inched on faster than the car as I checked my gas meter; the amber light burning, telling me to get ready to stop. I knew I should have gotten gas when I had just left home but I was almost early for the class.
And so I inched closer and closer to the gas station, regretting my every turn. I finally made it to the gas station, already late, maybe even too late to answer any of the questions I had done. "Got to go to another station," the attendant called out. My head dropped as I could only hope to make it to another gas station. I turned the key...nothing. I turned again...nothing. "Not now man!"
The gas attendants all looked at me and asked me what was wrong. Besides the fact that the car was not starting I thought it was a battery problem. To cut a long story short (I wanted to say something else) I did need a battery but I also needed gas and there was gas at the gas station but it was running slowly.
Running slowly...(I do apologize for the sudden jolt of philosophy).
As I look over all the things that have happened so far this semester I feel like I've been going to school pretty long already. It is amazing that the week goes by so quickly yet the weeks slowly pass and each day travels at 60 minutes per hour. September seems so two months ago! As I was driving home this week (with my new battery) a few things flew through the window and into my head.
Light is pretty amazing. It helps you to see; it protects, guides and enhances. Without light there would be no colour! The pretty amazing quality about light is depth perception. Without light, we wouldn't know how far things are!
I toured Harrison's Cave during the summer and during the tour the lights were turned off to show what the discoverers saw. A lightbulb in my head came on and I held my hand up to my face and slowly began to bring it to my nose until I could see it. Twice I did this and twice I hit myself in my face. I would have had more success licking my nose in the daylight than seeing my hand in that cave. The first time was funny, but the second time was scary because I couldn't even tell when my hand was coming. I knew I held it up and I knew it hit me.
It's the same thing with life. A man who walks by day does not stumble because he walks by this world's light. It is when he walks by night that he stumbles, for he has no light. (John 11:10) In life, many people wonder why they are here. Maybe few iPods have enough memory space to store all the songs that reflect uncertainty, purposelessness and confusion. Why's that? If we have grown smarter, if we are more evolved than apes why are apes scratching their butts and we scratching our heads? Could it be that we actually don't know what we are doing?
We know one thing is certain, we all die. There is an end to a human's life but he/she doesn't know when it's coming - like my hand to my nose. That was a cool observation in the cave, but in life we don't know whose hand is coming or even if it is a hand at all. Then how do we prepare? It's not that important to know when we are going to die but it is important to know what to do while we are alive. If there is a destination that must be reached, how do we know if we have made it or how far are we to go? And this is why it is important to live in the light. (John 3:19-21)
Walk while you have the light, before the darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in darkness does not know where he is going. Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light.
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