When I thought about writing this earlier this week I was in a completely different mood. The sun shining quite brightly yet I felt gloomy - maybe that was the anomaly. It was quite similar to the time when I asked "Where now is the God of Elijah?" earlier this semester, however, I knew where he was - right here. I haven't for one moment since then doubted his existence or presence with me but on that bright, sunny Wednesday (and even now to some extent) I ask, "Who now is the God of Elijah?"
And I have reason. My last exam period burned me. I thought I had come out on top and was ready to face my blissful freedom called "vacation". But as with most empty spaces, something comes quickly to fill it. So when the wind rushed in and the results came back I found myself looking up into the sky, underneath all that I was standing on. As I covered my face from the debris falling on me it didn't matter what would hit me afterwords because my spirit was already crushed. I woke up in the hospital and what should have been 14 weeks of unconstrained fun and frolicking turned out to be rehab.
Fast forwarding through half of a year, I find myself in a very strange position. I have the same teacher who awarded me my first fail in maths since I was 16 and I'm doing more courses (more exams). I look inside me and see the confidence I used to have (the good kind and the kind that makes you say "Ah I know that, don't need to study at all") and I remember the great strength of my past and how big I felt after I got my first A in maths but then I remember that the last time I felt this big I failed maths and now my second exam (for it was also the second exam I did) is for a course taught by the same lecturer (who yesterday said, "If you remember how the Differential Equations exam was...." To which I whispered, "Don't remind me."). Oh how I wish I was not an elephant!
I wonder, why do scars remain? Why can I not shake the thoughts of being burned by attitudes of laziness and hubris? Sometimes I wish I could just forget it all and behave as though I'm really starting over. But these scars remain as a reminder that I can't do it alone. C.S. Lewis said that everything works according to its nature. Sure, if you study you will pass. But I have a nature that is such that it doesn't operate solo. When I look within myself I don't go looking for my own resources to get me through - not anymore. Furthermore, passing is contingent on so many other factors apart from studying hard (or smart) that I shouldn't dare to hinge my hopes of passing (much less getting A's) on my weak body and sometimes unfocused mind.
Earlier I asked, "Who is the God of Elijah?" Well the great thing about him is that I don't need to prove him, his strength or his goodness. All I need to do is allow him to do his thing - whatever the time calls for. What if I gave him the freedom he deserves? Of course, this does not mean doing nothing, like he is my slave, but what I mean is this: I'm not going to pass my exams so that others will say "Ok God is real". This is comforting to know.
These exams are not going to pass themselves and studying is important. I know now, however, that I don't have to have my vision clouded by the fear of failing and what happened last year. Yes, scars remain but only to remind me that I can't go it alone.
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